Life Coach as Leader: Are You Leading From Passion or “Niceness?”

A healer client of mine – let’s call her Sue – told me about the fender bender she got into while Christmas shopping a couple of weeks ago.

“I was stopped in the parking lot, waiting for traffic to clear, and I heard this loud thump.  I jumped out, and this lady was standing behind my van, checking it out.  “I already had a dent in the bumper.  She pointed to it, and was like, ‘I didn’t do that!  That was already there.”

Sue agreed with her, and then started checking the rest of her van.   It was starting to get dark, so she said to the woman, “I don’t see anything . . . do you?”

“No,” the woman said.  And then she got back in her SUV and left.

Sue stood there in the gathering darkness for a minute, stunned.  “I should have yelled at her to wait,” she told me.  “Or called the police, or got her license number, or something.  But I was so busy being nice, thinking about how relieved the lady must have been that it wasn’t worse, that I didn’t think about defending my own interests.”

That night when she got home, Sue took a flashlight and confirmed her growing fear.  There was a good sized dent and scuff mark on the hatch of her van.  The lady had been pointing to a completely different  part of the car.  Had she deliberately misled Sue on the location of the contact so she could avoid taking responsibility?  Sue miserably had to admit that it was possible.  At the very least, the woman had intentionally made a quick exit before the real damage could be discovered.

“It’s not so much the van,” she said.  “Although I’m not very happy about that.  But the worst part is knowing that I let it happen.  I just stood there and got taken advantage of.”

We’ve been talking about the qualities of leadership, and how essential they are to being effective in nearly every context.  Yesterday we talked about coming on too strong.  Today, we’re going to take a look at the opposite problem:  being so nice, so likable, that you render yourself completely ineffectual.

I think this is a more common problem with women in the heart-based businesses.  A life coach can’t help her client if her compassion prevents her from telling the truth.  A healer can’t heal if she can’t bluntly address behaviors that are causing the problem.  I struggled with this myself – working so hard to avoid coming on strong that clients weren’t feeling the full power of what I had to offer.

If you think you’re headed the same direction, here are some things to consider:

• You can and should be a nurturing leader, but not a door mat.  Protect your boundaries.  Nurture in professional context.  If you’re a life coach working with a creator of healing gems, for instance, don’t be led into a discussion of her husband’s sexual inadequacy.
• Know the difference between being kind and being nice.  Be kind and compassionate, but don’t be so nice that you can’t be professionally effective.  If  you’re in negotiations and your sole focus is making sure that the other person is happy, you’ll be out of business.
• Take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourself whether you need to be liked so desperately that you’re willing to turn your back on the thing you were born to do.\

Loving people want to be loved, and some of us have a tough time accepting that we are not always going to be liked.  In fact, the very fact that you are following you’re dreams will be enough to annoy some people, leading them to find fault with you.  Instead of depending on external signals – “She really doesn’t like me!  I must be doing this all wrong.” – look inward.  You know your goals and talents.  Are you on target?  Are you within your values?  Have you done anything that requires an apology?    These internal cues are a far better indicator of how you’re doing that messages from people who have their own agendas and filters.

Do you know who you are and what you were born to do?  Whether you’re a healer, life coach or heart-based entrepreneur, it’s time for you to join the adventure. Sign on for one of the remaining slots in the EnergyRICH® Bootcamp.